When I fall

I didn’t know if this was it or there was more. I was just living through it or trying to live through it, smiling through the pain. I don’t remember if I ever tried this much in my life to act normal but I was failing and how could I be not, it felt like dying, the pain it was just too much. Trust, love, friendship, hope, I can’t say what was lost or broken but I felt hella miserable. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I felt like that stubborn child who does what he likes and then after when he is hurt, cries bitterly but I couldn’t even cry because I was no more a child. So I decided to laugh at them, at my miseries and laugh with the people around who were just enjoying their lives. Then all of a sudden they all seemed to be laughing at me but I tried not to care for a moment and it passed. It passed like it was the happiest moment of my life. I laughed through it like a little child cause that was okay no one was going to point me out laughing like that it’s only the tears that they point out. But then there came the night, that horrifying night whose darkness doesn’t terrify me but the dark thoughts, that appear in my head whenever I close my eyes for sleep, were still there and I didn’t wanna sleep either I wanted to count the scars I’ve given to people and the hearts I’ve broken. And it wasn’t really hard for me to reach there. In the middle of the night I was there, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, blaming myself for everything. Then there were regrets that never leave me alone but at that time it was getting too much and I felt like drowning. Those regrets were eating me alive. I was so ashamed that I didn’t wanna wake up the next morning and face the people around but that too passed, that moment of mere regrets passed as I dozed off on my pillow sobbing. And again there was another morning waiting for me to make mistakes and embrace them at night.